Perhaps some of you saw the obituary in Wednesday’s paper for 20-year-old Ariel Jo May.
(I was unable to link to it, but you can find it online in The Star’s obituaries.)
If you’re like me, your reading of the obits is always arrested when you see that a young person has died…The natural and obvious questions that go through your mind are, “What was the cause of death?” and “Why?”
Those would have been my questions, too, except that I have more than a passing interest in and knowledge of Ariel’s case.
The tip-off as to the cause of death is found in the first paragraph, where the obituary says one of the charities where the family would like contributions to go is the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education organization.
The reason I have a more than passing interest in the matter is that Ariel and our 24-year-old daughter Brooks were in rehab treatment together in Chicago in recent months.
Brooks has been getting treatment for an eating disorder, and Ariel was getting ‘being treated, I believe, for self-harm tendencies and depression.
My wife Patty and I met Ariel briefly one day — while visiting Brooks — in a Michigan Avenue CVS. We were there to pick up a prescription for Brooks, and Ariel was there to get meds of her own. Brooks introduced us, and we chatted for several minutes. She was an attractive girl with an engaging smile and a relaxed, friendly manner.
The one thing that struck me as odd that day was that Ariel came away from the prescription counter empty-handed. “I have a lot of prescriptions,” she explained, “and I don’t have enough money to pay for them. I’ll have to come back later.”
Seldom do you see a young person picking up “a lot” of prescriptions, so I figured that whatever her troubles were, they must have been fairly significant.
That’s the last we saw of Ariel, although Brooks later went to a White Sox baseball game with Ariel and a friend of Ariel’s.
Later, in October, I believe, word came from Brooks that Ariel had been admitted to a behavioral health hospital outside Chicago because of an overdose of prescription drugs and perhaps alcohol. The next I heard, which was early this month, as I recall, was that Ariel was back home, in the Kansas City area.
With Brooks still in Chicago, I pretty much forgot about Ariel. Last week, Brooks came home for the Thanksgiving weekend. She returned to Chicago on Sunday night and texted us about 10 o’clock that she had arrived safely. About midnight, as I was preparing to go to bed, my cellphone rang and it was Brooks, again.
Voice trembling, she said, “Dad, do you remember Ariel?” I braced myself for what I knew was coming…”She killed herself.”
She gave me the few details she knew — that Ariel had overdosed on prescription drugs, apparently at her father’s house. While she was talking, I sank to my knees and began crying. I handed the phone to Patty. I continued crying for a long time…In fact, I hadn’t cried that hard and that long since my best friend committed suicide in 1984.
There’s something about a young person committing suicide that is maddening and crushing at the same time. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. My first and persistent thought about Ariel was — “Why did this precious young life, with so much potential, have to be lost to the demon of depression?
On Monday, I located the address for her father, John May, in Bonner Springs. I went to his house, called his home number from my car, and explained my connection to Ariel. He stepped outside the door. Stocky, with neatly trimmed, gray hair, he looked straight at me as I approached. His eyes were puffy and red, and his chest was visibly heaving. He extended a hand and then, with the other, wrapped me in a long, firm embrace. When he spoke — again looking straight into my eyes — he said, “I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of my chest.”
I offered to help him in any way I could (he’s divorced from Ariel’s mother), and I ended up helping write and assemble the obituary. I learned a lot more about Ariel when I went back to the house on Tuesday, and the more I learn, the more I think help for Ariel was not far away and the farther I go down the “what if” road.
But she’s gone, and that’s the terrible finality. Today, I, along with friends and family, will mourn for her at her earthly send-off. And I will pray, as I have for years, that somewhere today, God will spare a child.
JimmyCsays: At the juncture of journalism and daily life in KC 
Oh my goodness. Life is so fragile. Jim, you are indeed the best.
Powerful stuff, Jim. Hang in there! I’ll be thinking of Brooks, you and Patty in prayer.
I’m so sorry, Jim. And Brooks is constantly in our thoughts and prayers…
Jim – your words and actions are touching – I cried most of the way through your blog today. Your reaching out to Ariel’s father is such an example of how humankind is meant to interact and “be there” for one another. As we have often discussed, the fragility of life and the strange wiring of our brains – all overwhelming. Thank you for being my friend, Jim.
Thanks, you guys. Sometimes I screw up because, as Patty says, I have no “boundaries” with people, trusting strangers and getting too chummy with people with people I don’t know. The flip side of that, however, is that sometimes those instincts serve me well…I intended to do everything I could to find Ariel’s father,mother or someone closely related and let them know that, even in one fairly brief meeting, Ariel had touched me, too.
It is sad…my sister committed suicide 19 years ago this month. Different circumstances…child custody battle between grandparents in Clay CO MO. I PRAY for SALVATION for Ariel; she left too soon.
Fitz I will continue to PRAY for Brooks, you and Patty.
Larry
Jim,
Nothing to say. You said it all so well.
Good thoughts for you and all your family.
God bless you, Jim Fitzpatrick.
I just got back from the funeral. There must have been 300 people at Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic Church in Shawnee. Lots of tears…The celebrant, the Rev. John Riley, had a good homily, even though he probably never met Ariel, who was not religious.
Father Riley said that, for whatever reason, Ariel at times did not feel truly loved and appreciated. That was her perception, Father Riley emphasized, not the way it really was…To compensate for that perception, he said, she bent over backward in reaching out to others, helping them carry their burdens and trying to make them feel loved and appreciated.
“She was never quite able to balance the equation,” Father Riley said.
I thought that was a beautiful, and probably accurate, way to express the battle that raged within Ariel.
I am so glad you got to personally witness Ariel’s beautiful smile. She and her family have always been welcoming, loving, and supportive. I consider myself blessed beyond measure to have been a part of this family for years…and for the babysitter to say that, it speaks to their caring and loving souls.
I pray that your daughter has continued healing. She is blessed to have you.
Thank you for sharing these words, and also for reaching out to John. Have a very Merry Christmas season.
Hi Dad,
I am also very touched by your empathy and caring for Ariel. I wish that she knew how many people loved her just for who she was. She was the type of person that from just one interaction could leave a lasting impression of humor, playfulness, and light. We’ve been telling lots of stories about her and trying to celebrate her life the way she would have liked. We know she would want us to be happy and to get well. We are holding a memorial for her in Darien, IL on Saturday so that all of her friends in the Chicago area can celebrate her, as well. Thank you for acknowledging just how tragic this is, not just for Ariel’s family and friends, but for all people who have suffered loss, mental illness, and deep sorrow.
I love you!
Brooks
Brooks — It means so much to me to have your blessing on this story. I know that I sometimes stick my nose in other people’s business when it’s really none of my business. But I think my instincts were right this time, and your confirmation is important to me.
Get well, my precious daughter….I love you, too!.
Thanks for sharing Fitz. Ariel is at peace in God’s hands. A peace that no doctor or pill can provide. Despite the pain her loss has created there are lessons to be learned, articles of Faith to be strengthened and a somber joy in knowing that she struggles with her demons no more.
I will miss Ariel every day. Thanks you for blogging this. She will be missed by so, so many, and now she can look down on us and feel the caring and love that she didn’t feel here.
I love you, my sweet angel…May you rest in the arms of god, as I will always hold you in my heart!!
Sorry Fitz.
Prayers.
Fitz, this is John May, Ariel’s father. Thank you so very much for reaching out to me. Your help with the obit and your blog were very well done and sorely needed. My daughters are the love of my life. Ariel’s twin sister, Aubree, is on her way back to college to prepare for finals. She is in pre-med courses so it won’t be easy. I am afraid that she has not felt the full impact of this loss yet. She needs thoughts and prayers also.
Suicide is a horrible thiing and has truly become an epidemic. In her farewell letters, Ariel told us not to play the blame game, but there are a couple of things that I feel I must say.
At least part of the blame belongs to the government for passing HIPPAA (Health Information Portability and Protection Act). This law closed the information loop that used to include immediate family. As soon as Ariel first woke up from a coma following her first suicide attempt, the hospital staff stopped communicating with us. During the past 10 months of her treatment, the only information I received was how much their charges were. I didn’t know how or why she came home; I just knew that I had my baby back.
This last month with Ariel was so good. She was so happy and fun. I had no communication from the doctors, therapist or hospital so I had no reason to think any different. She came to me to have several deep conversations. She was making plans for the future — dental appointments, doctor appointments and I just found out that she had reordered her medicine. Would a depressed, suicidal person do that? She showed no signs of depression that I saw. I will never understand it. Please take my experience as a warning. Never let your guard down, stay involved in their lives, even of they don’t want you to. Be vigilant.
The last serious blow came from one of her farewell letters where she said that she could “fake” happy any day of the week. If that was truly what she did, she should be given an Oscar for her acting skills.
I would like to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for our family.
Thanks for writing, John. I will be thinking about and praying for you and your family for a long time. It is so unfortunate that Ariel did not let you know about the inner battle that was taking place inside her. It is amazing, too, that she could “fake” being happy and paint over the symptoms of mental illness. It haunts me that she wasn’t able to hang on a little longer…until she got the right psychiatrist, or got on the right medicine or got settled in the new job…As you know, the reality is nearly impossible to accept and impossibly agonizing.
Brooks told me today that a very nice memorial service was held Saturday afternoon at a church outside Chicago. About 30 friends of Ariel, mostly from Timberline Knolls and Millennium Place attended. Close friends organized the ceremony, and the priest talked about how Ariel had touched and befriended so many people just in the last six months, since she went to Chicago for treatment. Think of how many more people she would have touched in the decades that the world will be denied her presence.